I want to let everyone know I haven't been feeling well therefore I been a little anti-social.
My niece Esther grace gave me a virus (thats all it is, a non medicine treatable virus) that has made me not feel well. Living with kids has been several proving grounds for birth control, I tell you.

So most likely by tomorow or monday I should be back to normal. I was out in the cold all day today, for a haunted house I was "scaring" people at (a kid actually fell OVER when i jumped at them, that was amazing..) so that may not have helped but I had to do it. Lets see how i feel tomorow.

Thanks again,

I have not had a minute to sit and think since everything has happened. I sit and stew on thoughts as I drive to various locations when I go to work, or visit someone. I haven't sat and put my Ipod on in forever, Elijah thinks the cords of my computer or Ipod is a tasty treat and I have to fight him over it (for those of you who don't know about a month ago I moved in with my brother)

I am essentially doing better since I moved, I am forced to see myself for who I am and not what others think of me, and its actually VERY frightening. I am now put in a position to make the decision of where Taylor is going to be in 10 years.. (something I was to scared to do again)

Fear is what drives us, Fear is something I am trying to accept. When I go to barnes and noble and go up the open stairs to the top, and physically get ill from the height, I make myself stand and stare and say Look, Your not Falling.. Not right now..

I am trying to do that with the decision process. I feel like I have something I need to prove in a majoy way. I drown myself in thought, and I am thinking it over till I am blue in the face and still feel nothing. I feel like I am stuck on what should happen.

I have oppertunities flying at me in every direction and I feel like I need to find the one with the less amount of blood and gore (emotionally) as I can find, as I find confrontation to be one of my biggest worries. I seem to love sacrificing my own happiness in order to spare anothers. I have done it since I was a kid. I HATE to see ones I love cry, get angry or abandon their emotions over something I said or did.

Doing this is going to break me, but I need to do it. Somehow. Er, God, wish you could do it for me. I know someone in my life is going to look at me, cry, yell, or stomp thier feet in a tantrum or never speak to me again, because of the choices I will be making, and I can't let it stop me.

I also feel like by this change in my life I have oppertunities to do anything on the table. I can jump into a firey pit and go to hell, or jump to the sky and be in the clouds. The vastness of it, the -shades of grey- in between are not there. I cant burn my finger and then jump in the snow.

The center of attention, I became, I felt spit on by some people, I felt Jesus behind the eyes of others, I felt a holyrollin religious experiance and then the cold walls of an empty bedroom and cushions of a bare couch. My highs are highs, my lows are lows. My friends are in other states, my parents are united, in the best way possible, but I am not a part of them anymore, my job is wonderful but short lived.

I am now a wandering soul, in the forrest. I am alone, but I am not.

Jennifer, my sister in law, pointed out to me, that my brother and I are alike, that when put in a stressful situation, we become extremely nostalgic. I found myself daydreaming about what once was. Red mountains, art shows, matt&katie, vianet, first friday, jack in the box and dennys and midnight, british accents, indian school park, and church. I cried, when I heard the voice of a long lost friend, after hanging up the phone. I feel the carpet of the floor I slept on for weeks before I was settled in the lifestyle of the west. I hear the laughter of my coworkers as we would type. I feel the heat on my back right now, as I type, and the taste of the avacado pizza. I wanna sing the song "hurt" back to back against his and not feel pressured by the world for being a friend when I want to be.

I see a girl with long hippie hair, a former ginger haired guy, a wannabe ginger girl and the porcelain skin of another.

Jen wasn't kidding when she said I was nostalgic

I dream, its what I do, its how I fall asleep at night without tears, without feeling like I am guilty of the breaking of hearts. I fix everything when I close my eyes. Everyone is in love with everyone else, everyone smiles, even when lives are pushed apart, they all know it was for the better.

Now the autumn leaves are falling and I sit inside the house bracing for the cold of winter, in fear, sadness, and longing. I don't want to sit within these walls the entire time. God, give me direction, show me who I am,

Because I don't know.

My dad didn't even bother to say I love you back on the phone.

That has NEVER happened.

Everyone says I am doing the right thing, but when something like that happens, how can I be sure.

I miss my dad

I was kicked out of my house today, staying with relatives now.. keep you posted

Hello everyone

To anyone who knows me much or in person, knows I am in a small town. Well right now it looks like within a month or two I shall be moving to the city. Wish me luck, as this will be my first place of my own I will be at.

-Tay